the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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