I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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