i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
