hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
