Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
