So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
