Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
