i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can't turn off my feet"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
