i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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