a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
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Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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