I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
