So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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