I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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