Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies