lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
