I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
