I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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