I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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