Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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