Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
