Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
