Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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