I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
