i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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