im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
