i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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