The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
