the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Vodka?
Forever.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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