I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
