a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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