Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
