He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
All the doctor said was why
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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