I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
they need to just BURY HIM!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
