I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
