I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
