So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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