I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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