In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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