How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
