i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
