I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
