I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
