The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
