I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
