You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My feet surprised me
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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