I wish I could teleport
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
