hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
