I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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