Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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