I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
