there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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