My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
