Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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