I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
