She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
