I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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