i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Come on in and take your pants off
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