I haven't been this sober since birth.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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