i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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