so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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