Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
