my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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